Book Report: “When Someone You Know Is Living in a Dementia Care Community” by Rachael Wonderlin
When a parent or spouse moves into memory care, families often find that the hardest part isn’t the move itself. It’s the visits afterward. What do you talk about? What do you say when Mom asks to go home? How do you leave without upsetting her? Rachael Wonderlin’s book When Someone You Know Is Living in a Dementia Care Community: Words to Say and Things to Do was written to answer exactly those questions.
About the book and the author
The book was published in 2016 by Johns Hopkins University Press as part of its “36-Hour Day” family of books on dementia caregiving. Wonderlin holds a master’s degree in gerontology and has worked as a director in dementia care communities. She also writes about dementia care on her blog, Dementia By Day. The book is short and organized into 29 brief chapters, so it’s easy to pick up and read a section before a visit.
The big ideas
Meet your loved one where they are. A recurring theme is that arguing with or correcting a person with dementia rarely helps. If your father believes he still goes to work every day, insisting that he retired years ago usually leads to frustration for both of you. Wonderlin encourages families to step into their loved one’s reality and respond to the feeling behind the words.
Activities should connect to the person’s past. She suggests choosing activities that tie into a person’s history, interests and former roles, such as a retired teacher sorting papers, a lifelong gardener tending plants, or a homemaker folding towels. Purposeful activity can bring calm and a sense of usefulness.
Rethink how you say goodbye. One of the most practical sections deals with leaving a visit. Announcing a big, final-sounding goodbye can trigger anxiety or a wish to leave with you. A gentler approach is to time your exit for a moment when your loved one is engaged in an activity or with staff, and keep partings brief and casual.
Work with the care team. The book encourages families to share their loved one’s life story, routines and preferences with staff, and to see themselves as partners with the people providing daily care.
Let go of guilt. Throughout, Wonderlin reassures readers that moving a loved one into a dementia care community can be a loving decision, and that visits don’t need to be perfect to matter.
What we liked
The book is built around real-life stories (with details changed) that make the advice concrete. It speaks directly to families rather than professionals, and the short chapters make it approachable even for exhausted caregivers. Some reviewers have noted that the advice comes mostly from the author’s hands-on experience rather than research studies, so readers should treat it as practical wisdom rather than clinical guidance.
Who should read it
Anyone whose loved one has recently moved into memory care, or is about to, will find this book useful. It’s also a good gift for siblings, grandchildren and friends who want to visit but aren’t sure how.
This is an independent review. Generations Senior Living has no affiliation with the author or publisher.
Have questions about memory care for someone you love? Call Generations Senior Living at (352) 474-2696 or schedule a tour of one of our three homes near The Villages.
