Book Review of Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping with Stress and Grief (A Book by Pauline Boss)

Most caregiving books focus on the practical side of dementia: managing behaviors, planning care, handling paperwork. Pauline Boss’s Loving Someone Who Has Dementia: How to Find Hope While Coping with Stress and Grief takes on a different, often unspoken challenge: the emotional weight of loving someone who is still here, yet in many ways is slipping away.

About the book and the author

The book was published in 2011 by Jossey-Bass, an imprint of Wiley. Pauline Boss, PhD, is a family therapist and professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota, and she has been a visiting professor at Harvard Medical School. She is best known for developing the idea of ambiguous loss, which she has studied and written about for decades. In this book, she applies that idea directly to families living with dementia.

The central idea: ambiguous loss

When someone dies, the loss is clear, and there are rituals for grieving. Dementia is different. Your loved one is physically present but may be psychologically absent: they may no longer recognize you, remember shared history or be the partner or parent they once were. Boss calls this ambiguous loss. Because it has no clear ending and no rituals, caregivers often feel stuck, confused or guilty for grieving someone who is still alive.

Her message is that these feelings are normal. The problem is not the caregiver; it is the ambiguity of the situation itself.

Letting go of “closure”

One of the book’s most helpful chapters challenges the popular idea that we should seek closure. Boss argues that with dementia, closure isn’t possible, and chasing it adds stress. Instead, she encourages “both/and” thinking: your loved one is both here and gone; you can both grieve and still find joy in your time together.

Guidelines for resilience

The heart of the book is a set of seven guidelines for staying resilient on the caregiving journey. In our own words, they encourage caregivers to:

• Look for meaning in the situation, even when it is hard
• Balance what you can control with acceptance of what you cannot
• Allow your own identity and family roles to change and grow
• Accept mixed feelings, such as love and resentment, as normal
• Hold on to the relationship while letting go of what it used to be
• Find new hopes and dreams to replace old ones
• Take care of yourself along the way

Family, rituals and the “good-enough” relationship

Boss also writes about the “psychological family,” the people who truly support you, whether or not they are relatives, and about adapting family rituals and holidays so they still bring people together. She closes with the idea of a “good-enough” relationship: not the relationship you had before, but one that can still hold love and connection.

What we liked

The writing is warm and conversational, backed by Boss’s research and years of work with families. It gives caregivers permission to feel what they feel, and practical ways to think differently about a painful situation. It doesn’t cover day-to-day care techniques in detail, so it pairs well with a more hands-on caregiving guide.

Who should read it

Spouses and adult children caring for someone with dementia, especially those who feel worn down by grief, guilt or uncertainty. It’s also valuable for families whose loved one has moved into memory care and who are learning a new kind of relationship.

This is an independent review. Generations Senior Living has no affiliation with the author or publisher.

Have questions about memory care for someone you love? Call Generations Senior Living at (352) 474-2696 or schedule a tour of one of our three homes near The Villages.